How to Play Bogey Golf

Vocabulary: Eliminate the word "lay-up". This word will only improve your course management skills. Good golfers tend to lay-up when a difficult distance or situation arises. True bogey golfers go for it all the time.

Practice: Never practice. Before the first tee go out and hit a full bucket of balls with only your driver. Slam as many balls as you can before the first tee and remember to not hit any wedge shots on the practice range.

Nutrition: Always eat a huge breakfast of eggs, bacon, hashbrowns and tons of coffee – or don't eat anything at all. Wait until the turn to order a big fat hot dog with a beer. Note: Liquid intake does not include water. Water only helps hydrate your system. Hydration only slows down the effect of large quantities of beer.

Attitude: Whenever possible blame others for your bogey round of golf. Have a good excuse available at all times. My favorites are: I would have played better if the people in front of us would play faster; or I'm just not myself today because of any excuse you can create.

Equipment: Never, never let any professional fit you for clubs. Always try your grandfather's set of forged clubs that have been in the garage for years. The older the equipment the better. New technology is not for the true bogey golfer.

Lessons: Professional teachers will only take away your bogey status. Avoid these people. They are only there to improve your game.

Advice: Always give advice to other golfers. The best times to give advice are either on the tee box or on the putting green. The higher your handicap the more advice you're allowed to give.

Rules: As a bogey golfer it is your right to bend the rules. Kicking the ball out from under a tree, teeing the ball up in the fairway, cleaning the ball anytime are all allowed except for Sunday. Never read the rule book. It will just remind you how much you hate convention.

Talking: The more you talk while others are trying to play will establish you as a perfect jerk. Singing is always good, especially when someone in your group is trying to putt.

Betting: Never bring your wallet. Always carryover your bets if you lose. If you win demand payment immediately.

Indeed, this is very tongue-in-cheek. If you see yourself in any of the above descriptions, we hope you'll take a different approach to the game of golf.